Author: Angela B.
Title: Not happy in Ohio 

To: LarabeeATF@atf.gov
From: Conman @atf.gov
Subject: Not happy in Ohio

Dear Mr. Larabee and assoc.,
I would like to be able to write this missive and expound on all the wonderful attributes this town has to offer. Alas, though, a town must first have attributes in order to expound on them. For starters Mayberry would have been a thriving a metropolis compared to this flat wasteland. The main gathering place around here is the Dairy Queen. I have learned that meeting with the farmers for their morning coffee (at 5:30 no less) I can ascertain the information I require to finally end the selling of arms and drugs in this vicinity. Second, and most unsettling, I am having to `bunk in' with one of the two deputies that patrol this area. The guy is the age of Mr. Tanner, yet does not possess the man's maturity or sense of humor. He can't hold a discussion like Josiah, or even give me a good argument like Nathan. I do believe this gentleman has only been on one date in his entire life. Buck would have a field day with him. Well, enough of that depressing topic.

Whatever information the honorable A.D. Travis was given I am sorry to report has fallen quite short. These local yokels, as Buck would call them, not only have no inclination as how to achieve the desired results with proper law enforcement procedures, but they seem not to have any incentive to stop the contraband being sold in their town. While I don't believe they are financially tied to the operation they don't seem to be in any hurry to hurry to end this case. I believe it is because of the income producing effect it has on the town. It's really quite distressing to know that a town's financial security lies within illegal contraband. Heaven knows that the people around here aren't making anything off their crops, between the draught and the torrential rains they have endured this year their crops will not produce much of an income.

You might remember how it was assured to us both that I would only be here in guidance capacity only. Sadly and begrudgingly I have been forced to take over the entire operation, including going undercover. I would rather have Jed Clampitt as my backup man than one of these deputies. At least Mr. Clampitt could shoot straight. I am leery as to the prospects of me returning with all my extremities still intact.   Therefore, for more reasons than I can lists I find that I will not be able to join you all for the upcoming holiday. I hope to be home for the festive New Year's Eve gathering. I have sent an e-card for all to enjoy.

Sincerely,
Ezra P. Standish

P.S. Please send my regards to the others and tell all I regret not being able to make it back in time to be with all of you.
http://view.greetings.yahoo.com/greet/view?7XA9XFJHKKQ9P

To: Larabee @atf.gov
From: Conman @atf.gov
Subject: Still Here

12/24/02    5:03p.m.

Dear Mr. Larabee and assoc.,

I seem to have misspoken in my last missive. It seems that these "good ol' boys" as they refer to themselves are not quite as unwilling to put a stop to the illegal weapons being sold here as I had thought. They are merely uncomfortable with being in charge of such; and I quote: 'a large operation' as this one seems to be. Relax, Mr. Larabee I used the word large in a relative way. To these people this is large; to us it would hardly be worth a blink. I am sure we will have the situation in hand and all will be wrapped up by the end of the week.

I also, have to correct myself on the defining characterization ofmy `roommate'.  He is extremely introverted, but once I found a subject on which he was acquainted with the young man opened up and has become more relaxed and talkative. Last evening he asked if I would like to take a drive around and see the `countryside', and I use that term loosely. There is nothing, but miles of farmland that has been, and I quote: "broke" another way of saying "turned under."  Apparently that term refers to how farmers get the ground ready for the next planting season.  Anyway, back to my point, I reluctantly agreed to this showing of his hometown and outlying area. I have to say I was surprised to learn what one can do with strings of lights and farm implements. I can honestly say I have never seen a John Deere tractor decorated so eloquently. Yes, I believe I did name the exact brand of tractor. I have learned that such knowledge is useful around here and that it does matter to some around here whether a farmer is using a John Deere, which is green; an International, which is red, or a Farmall, which is also red. I have also, learned the number of farmers is decreasing in number quite rapidly. It is a shame that part of what made this country so great is slowly dying out. Well, I must sign off for now; John, my roommate, has offered to take me over into the next county where they have a Pizza Hut in the newly built gas station. Oh the joys of small town living.

Sincerely,
Ezra P. Standish

To: Conman @atf.gov
From: texasshooter @atf.gov
Subject: hey

12/24/02  3:20
Well dang, Ez, sounds like you gonna go country boy on us. (Buck is looking over my shoulder laughing).  That made him leave. Sorry to hear you had to take a more active role than originally planned. But knowing you, you were bored sitting on the sidelines anyway. Sounds like your roomie needs to…what is it you're always telling me…"expand his horizons".  Ha ha. Maybe, you just need to lower yours. We were all quite impressed that you learned the name of your tractors. What's next learning how to drive one? I can see it now. You in a three-piece suit driving through the dust fields, drinking purée water.  Have a good time with John at Pizza Hut. Just watch your back and call one us with details about your arrival. Last time you came back without informing Chris I didn't think he was going to leave any skin on ya. Merry Christmas. Wish ya could be here. Will be thinking about ya.

Vin

To: texasshooter @atf.gov
From: Conman @atf.gov
Subject: Re: hey

12/25/02  12:01

Have no fear Mr. Tanner; I am not turning into a `farm hand' at any cost. John and I did in fact have pleasant evening, though I wish I  had been fortunate to be back by now. It is now officially the twenty-fifth of December here, so may I wish you and everyone else a `Merry Christmas'!

Ezra

THE END